Steelers v. Cardinals

February 1, 2009

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Well, President Obama and Rush Limbaugh finally agree on something–they’re both Steeler fans.

Screw both of ’em. GO CARDS!

Revolting Cocks–“Stainless Steel Providers”:

Ryan Adams & The Cardinals–“Let it Ride”:

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The Legendary Super Bowl Drinking Game™

January 31, 2009

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Disclaimer: This game is meant to be played with water. Surely, you wouldn’t consider playing it with any other beverage, would you?

This game was perfected through many years of trial and error, starting with Super Bowl XXXII (which my Packers lost, so I needed a lot of water). You could actually use these rules for any football game, but trust me on this, you don’t want to drink this much water more than once a year.

I come from a strange culture where we use the word “beer” to mean “water.” If you read the word “beer” below, and you think “beer” instead of “water,” then you, sir, are a racist.

So without further ado…

The Legendary

Super Bowl

Drinking Game

Each person in the room must pick a team. Annoying people who are only there to watch the commercials and the halftime show shall be assigned a team in such fashion as to get as close as possible to a 50-50 balance in the room.

You drink when something bad happens to your team.

Scoring

  • One beer for each touchdown.
  • Half a beer for each field goal (whole beer if over 45 yards).
  • Half a beer for a safety.
  • Half a beer for a two-point conversion, or a missed two-point conversion.
  • Two beers for a kickoff or punt return for a touchdown.
  • One beer for blocked field goal or punt.
  • Half a beer for a missed field goal.
  • Bonus half beer for defensive or special teams touchdown.

Changes of Possession

  • Half a beer for each turnover.
  • Two drinks for change of possession without a score.
  • Three bonus drinks for three and out.

The Drive

  • One drink for every first down.
  • One drink for every five yards on a run over ten yards.
  • Five drinks for a pass over thirty yards.
  • Five drinks for each quarterback sack.
  • Three drinks for a blocked pass.
  • Five drinks for a tipped pass that is caught anyway.

Penalties

  • One beer for intentional grounding.
  • Five drinks for holding (ten if it causes a touchdown to be called back).
  • Five drinks for delay of game.
  • Three drinks for a five-yard facemask or nine drinks for a fifteen-yard facemask. The NFL changed the rules on facemask this year, eliminating incidentals, so let’s compromise and call it six for facemask.
  • Half a beer for unsportsmanlike conduct.
  • Two drinks for false start, offside, or encroachment.
  • Five drinks for unnecessary roughness.
  • One third of a beer for too many men on the field.
  • Three drinks for pass interference.
  • Five drinks for offensive pass interference.
  • Two beers for leverage.

Non-penalty Ass Plays

  • Half a beer for each call overturned on replay.
  • One-third of a beer for calling for a replay and not having the play overturned.
  • One beer for recovered onside kick.
  • Half a beer for missed onside kick.
  • Half a beer for a pass that hits the ref or a player that runs into the ref.

And if there’s any left in the tank, you really should have a beer if your team loses.

You should not play the Super Bowl Drinking Game if you are driving. If you drink this much water and drive, you will have to pull over every five minutes to pee. That doesn’t make for good driving.

My pick this year? Cards in an upset, by less than a touchdown.


The Steagles and the Carpets

January 18, 2009

I’m a big pro football fan and a minor-league history buff, so I knew this but hadn’t thought of it until I heard someone bring it up on sports radio the other day.

If the Pittsbugh Steelers beat the Baltimore Ravens today and go to the Super Bowl, they will be playing a team that was once, in a fashion, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

In 1943, the NFL rosters were decimated by the draft for World War II.  In order to have a season, the Philadelphia Eagles and the Pittsburgh Steelers merged:

Officially the team was known simply as the Eagles (without a city designation), the Eagles-Steelers, or the Steelers-Eagles. …However, the official NFL record book refers to the team as “Phil-Pitt.”

No one calls them any of those things.  NFL fans refer to the team as “The Steagles,” truly one of the greatest monikers in sports history.

(The relationship between the two teams goes even deeper than that–there was also a strange and complicated occurrence in 1940, where the Steelers moved to Philadelphia and the Eagles moved to Pittsburgh, whereupon the Steelers were renamed the Eagles and the Eagles were renamed the Steelers.  While the NFL considers both the Eagles and the Steelers to be entities that go back uninterrupted to 1933 (the Steelers originally as the Pirates), in reality the current Eagles are the former Steelers and vice versa.)

The following year, the Steelers again merged with another team, this time the Chicago Cardinals.  The team was officially called “Card-Pitt” but was commonly referred to as “The Carpets.”  The Doormats would have been more like it–they lost all ten games they played.  From Wikipedia:

How bad were they?

  • Card-Pitt punters averaged just 32.7 yards per kick, an NFL record that still stands today
  • The team was 0-2 in field goals.
  • Card-Pitt completed only 31 percent of their passes, resulting in just 8 touchdowns. They also threw 41 interceptions in 1944 which is still the third highest total in NFL history. McCarthy threw 13 of those interceptions, and completed 0 touchdown passes. His QB rating was only 3.0.
  • They were the worst run defense in the league, and opponents outscored them 328-108.

The teams separated the next season, and the Cardinals eventually moved to St. Louis and then to Arizona.

So if the Steelers beat the Ravens and play the Cardinals or the Eagles in the Super Bowl, the folks from NFL Films, who always do a fine job, will have an opportunity to revisit this odd chapter in pro football history. Should that opportunity arise, I hope they take advantage of it.