And we’re back for this week’s results show. This will likely be it until next Wednesday, because President Obama has a prime-time press conference scheduled for Tuesday. Mr. President, that is not the change we’ve been waiting for!
Yesterday’s show had a lot of stinky moments, and they weren’t all from Paula. For one, the episode cemented my dislike of Megan “Lesbian Seagull” Joy. (If you’re wondering why I call her “Lesbian Seagull” it’s because of her infamous “Caw! Caw!” at the end of “Rockin’ Robin” last week. The short video clip below will explain.)
Who Should Be in the Bottom Three
- Megan “Lesbian Seagull” Joy. I never thought anyone could make me miss Katharine McPhee, but darned if Megan hasn’t done just that. Between last week’s atrocious “Rockin’ Robin” and this week’s hammy desecration of “Walking After Midnight,” she has firmly placed herself at the bottom of my list. She needs to go home tonight. She won’t, though.
- Michael Sarver. The only time he’s interesting is when he’s bad. When he’s singing OK, I reach for the No-Doz.
- Scott MacIntyre. As Randy might say, “Dude, singing’s just not your thing.” Neither is taste, as he routinely picks the cheesiest material imaginable. He should get a job as a studio musician and leave this so-called singing competition.
Who Will Be in the Bottom Three
- Michael Sarver. The producers gave him the death slot, and he demonstrated that he deserved it by mugging it up for the audience in a Constantine-like fashion, except Constantine would never have sang that poorly. The road ends here.
- Scott MacIntyre. Demographically, he’s competing with Kris Allen and Matt Giraud, both of whom are better looking, which is the key to that demographic. In addition, both sing much better. One of the three will be eliminated soon, and my money’s on Scott. I think he escapes tonight, though.
- Allison Iraheta. She’s in a precarious spot because she didn’t pick her song well and she had a lousy slot (number two). I think she lives to see another day, and I hope she has a resurgence next week.
Live blogging, and the attendant spoilers, are below the fold once the show starts at 8:00 Central.
Time for me to post my lucky Allison image again, cross my fingers, knock on wood, find a penny, or anything else that will keep my girl alive this week.
And here we go.
Ryan says he has results “that may shock you!” Probably just a tease, but if one of the contestants being pushed by the judges actually goes down in flames, you’ll get no objection from me.
Last night montage: Kris still makes stupid faces, Randy still sounds like an idiot saying “tender dog,” and Megan still sucks. Nope, no regrets on anything I wrote last night. Danny still looks ridiculous, and Anoop still was the best of the night–I want to watch the whole performance again.
The group number is OK by the incredibly low standards of the group number. They wisely let Scott play piano to reduce the awkwardness, and they do some song called “Trouble” that I’m not familiar with. If they tried to do this in a real honky-tonk, they’d likely get their metrosexual asses kicked, but at least the song sounds like it might be listenable if sung by a real singer.
The Ford video is, as usual, acutely painful. They stupidly throw a lot of water balloons at each other to some awful song called “Here It Goes Again.” Does this actually sell cars?
Now they have a featurette designed to make you feel guilty for kicking people off the show.
Michael’s kid misses him. Don’t worry, kiddo, you’ll be seeing daddy soon.
Here come the results.
Danny Gokey–Safe. Get the obvious out of the way.
Lil Rounds–Safe! She was clearly scared shitless.
Anoop “Noop Dogg” Desai–Safe! Good. It would have been a crime if he’d gone home.
Allison Iraheta and Michael Sarver–Uh oh. Paula: “Based on our critiques” Allison is in the bottom three? Were you so drunk you don’t remember what your entire panel said last night?
Allison’s in the bottom three, and so is Michael. Two of three called right by me so far. Will Scott be the third and give me a hat trick?
And what’s wrong with you, America, not voting for Allison? Shame on you!
We pause so that Brad Paisley can perform “Then.” It rhymes “girl” with “world.” Boo. The crowd claps with their hands way up in the air like a bunch of idiotic idiots.
Scott MacIntyre–Safe! Well, call me Meat Loaf again, ’cause two out of three ain’t bad.
Megan “Lesbian Seagull” Joy–Can a man dream? Only if it’s a nightmare, I guess. She’s safe.
Matt Giraud–Safe. No surprise there.
Alexis Grace and Adam Lambert–Is it too much to ask that it be Alexis (who Randy calls Allison)? It’s Alexis! Well, she was terrible.
First safe person is Allison (the real one)! Woo hoo! (She really needs to talk to her wardrobe person, though. And her hair stylist.)
Here’s our Carrie Underwood flashback. She’s hot.
Now she’s going to sing with Randy Travis. Song is called “I Told You So.” Our little Carrie is all grown up! The staging is awkward, with both of them sitting behind wooden boxes labeled “Grand Ole Opry.” Carrie flubs the song! Awesome! She has to focus on Randy’s lips to remember the words. Maybe she’s not all grown up after all. It’s a pretty song, though, despite Carrie’s numerous flubs.
Alexis Grace and Michael Sarver–Alexis is gone!
Will the judges save her? They really shouldn’t, but they’ve been pushing her so much they might.
I almost hope they do, because if they do, she’ll be eliminated again shortly and this gimmick will end. (I liked the idea at first, but had second thoughts.)
She’s strangling “Jolene” again. I think she actually sings “Jo-bean” at one point. It’s just really, really bad.
They’re not going to save her. Alexis is gone. Simon’s gotta be pissed.
Alexis montage, and goodbye for this week.
Motown next week. Can we get some creativity in song selections please? Probably not.