So last night, to my surprise, I found out that they’re doing three episodes this week. In addition, there are two cities covered in tonight’s hour, NYC and San Juan, Puerto Rico.
My guess? That means that NYC sucks, Puerto Rico sucks, and this episode sucks so they’re trying to bury it by showing it on an off night.
Let’s find out if I’m right. Here comes another live-blog…
New York City/San Juan
Adeola Adegoke: She’s quit her job. Great idea. She’s got a heavy accent. I don’t think anyone with a heavy speaking accent has been able to successfully sing in English without sounding unintentionally funny in the history of the show. It’s certainly possible…I just haven’t seen it done.
Let’s see how she is.
“And I’m Telling You” by Jennifer Hudson.
Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. Next.
Randy: “Singing is not your skeeze.” What does that mean? As LL Cool J once said, “In case you don’t know what a skeezer is, it’s just a girl that’s on my jock ’cause I’m in show biz.” I’m trying to get that to make sense, but it doesn’t.
Aw, man! They’re jumping back and forth between the cities. Well, I’m just going to pretend they’re one big city and skip trying to identify the location for you, since you don’t really care anyway.
Jorge Nunez: “My Way” by some Latin act I don’t know. He’s got a real nice voice–I wonder if it will translate into a more traditional pop sound rather than the big melodramatic sound favored in Latin ballads? I think we’ll find out, because they’re going to send him through, and they should.
Jessika Baier: She’s got a singing background apparently. “I Surrender” by Celine Dion. What singing contests is she winning? She’s horrible! Histrionics. End this! She can’t stop talking, either.
Finally over. Man, that really stunk.
Melinda Camille: She wants “to uplift humanity to a state of love and positivity.” Oh, just freaking great. She may not do all that well because it looks like she forgot her crystals.
I was really hoping she’d suck, but she doesn’t. Does this meaning I’m going to have to hear her spacey new-age shit for awhile longer? I think so.
Jackie Tohn: She seems like the New York equivalent of one of Austin’s lesbian folksingers. “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz. What the hell is this? Why would anyone try to sing this? It’s completely inappropriate for an audition. Some other song is next. She’s got a good voice, but the bad audition should scotch it. They’re letting her through anyway.
I take back what I said about Austin lesbian folk singers. They don’t get on my nerves when they perform, and she does. When she’s done, she screams like a tortured cat. Add one to the enemies list.
Bad Singer Filler: It looks like I was right in my guess that they didn’t find much in either location.
More Bad Singers: Can I call ’em or what?
Stupid Outfit Guys: Eight seasons in, does anyone still think this is funny?
Joel Contreras: The Human iPod. Simon’s time isn’t the only one’s being wasted. Producers, this stuff isn’t funny. Believe it or not, many of us watch this to see good singers, not this crap.
Nick Mitchell, AKA Norman Gentle: Another loser. “And I’m Telling You.” Abominable. Cowell gay-bashing pops up again.
They’re sending this loser through. Kill me now.
I’ve lost all the respect I had for Kara. That didn’t take long!
Good Singer Montage: A hottie named Kendell Beard is from Austin, and sings quite nicely! One to watch, there.
Still More Bad Singers: There are millions and millions of people in New York. Where is everybody good?
Monique Torres : “You Can’t Hurry Love.” I adore this song. Don’t screw it up!
Great choice for her voice. I really like this.
I could do without the follow-up Aguillara. So much for her great taste, and she doesn’t sound nearly as good on this one, although it’s still not bad.
Split panel, Simon lets her through. Good! She needs some work, but the talent may well be in there, somewhere. And I like her.
Oh, shit, Alexis Cohen is next. She was on last year. She’s a complete psycho. I thought she was supposed to quit music and “go for actressing”?
Alexis Cohen: “Like a Prayer.” What, does she think being serious about music means that you pretend you’re imitating a comic opera singer in a Looney Tunes short?
The judges are right, she has gotten worse.
Goodbye! Forever? Let’s hope.
Patricia Roman: “I Want to Dance With Somebody.” It takes a great performance to put life into this song. It seems simple, but it’s incredibly tough to pull off. She’s not bad, but not great.
Simon agrees with my assessment of the song: “Harder than her ballads.” I feel smart!
Now she’s doing a Latin ballad. Quite nice. I think she should go forward.
Paula says no.
She’s going to Hollywood. I’m glad she did, but she’d better pick her material more carefully.
And that’s it for the auditions. Hollywood next, and then finally we may get a chance to see good singers trying to prove who’s best.
Which is why I watch the show, but apparently not why too many other people watch the show.
Seriously, AI producers, who I know for a fact check this blog regularly, enough with the costume crap and the ringers. I’m begging you.
Next week in Hollywood!