Have you seen this guy? Would you buy anything from Vince, let alone some useless little shammies? Seriously, the guy looks sketchy. Like the kind of guy who would be like, “Hey, check out my Shamwow!” before ruthlessly bludgeoning you over the head with his deceptively lightweight-looking ear mic and then rooting through your pockets for spare change to fuel his insatiable meth habit. Notice how his left eye is always open just a hair more than his right? Yeah, this guy’s got something up his sleeve, and I think you’d be well advised to keep your distance from him and his products.
Other evidence of shady goings on in this infotainmercial:
1. “It’s like a shammy, it’s like a towel, it’s like a sponge.” Which is it, Poindexter? You expect me to buy something from you when you can’t even tell me what it is? No sale!
2. “The Germans always make good stuff…” You know what else the Germans made? The Holocaust! And blood sausage. Yuck!
3. At approximately 0:45 – “We’re gonna do this in real time.” And yet all the liquid that can be seen under the carpet sample in the previous shot is mysteriously gone before the Shamwow even makes contact with said sample. Am I to believe that the Shamwow is so magical that it has the power to absorb liquid without even touching it? If so, Shamwow! If not, Shamfuck you!
4. Who spends $20 a month on paper towels? That’s a rather extravagant paper towel budget to have in these times of global economic hardship. And awful for the environment! Al Gore would be none too pleased. Not to mention Captain Planet!
5. At 1:25, while Shamwow Boy is covering his mouth, he says “[The Shamwow] lasts ten years, [a sponge] lasts a week!” However, the discerning ear will hear that the “ten years” is an obvious voiceover. What are you hiding, Shamwow? Are you trying to screw us out of our rightful Shamwow usage years? I want answers!
6. Vince is obviously an actor. I mean look at him! He is the spitting image of a young, shady, slightly creepy Willem Defoe. And, as we all know, if you even vaguely resemble a famous actor, then you must in fact be an actor yourself. Look it up! I think it’s in the Bible somewhere. Like in the middle or something. Keep looking, you’ll find it.