Let the Games Begin!: American Idol, 2009 – Episode 1

Idol LogoCollege football is over. Professional football has only three games left. Thank God the season’s only begun for the second greatest sport in the world–American Idol!

As an experiment, I’m going to attempt to live-blog this. If it starts to shape up like a train wreck (which it probably will), then I’ll pull the whole thing and publish my thoughts after the show, so don’t be shocked if this post vanishes for awhile and comes back in an entirely different form.

Here we go!

Montage: One thing I don’t like about the show is its focus on bad acts and ringers.  I know a lot of people who like that stuff, and quit watching when the good singing starts.  All I can think of is that those tryout slots could have been given to competent singers.  Does that make me lame?  Probably.  Then again, I’m blogging about American Idol, so it’s not like my lameness is a secret.

Nice that they featured those screaming YouTube girls.  That clip was great.  I bet you anything they get flown in for the awards show.

Phoenix, Arizona

Have they ever done Arizona before?  Not that I can recall.  Are there any famous acts from Arizona?  The Meat Puppets are the only one I can think of.

Oh, Jordin Sparks.

Introducing Kara DioGuardi, Paula’s replacement the new judge.  She was on that ABC(?) Idol ripoff, The One.  I think I’m the only person in America who watched that show.  It was cancelled after two or three weeks.

Tuan Nguyen: JROTC meets ‘fro meets The King of Pop.  What could go wrong?  Despite JROTC, he’s another pretty boy.  “The Way You Make Me Feel” is a great song choice.  That’s the only positive thing I have to say.  Randy liked the ‘fro.  That’s the only positive thing the judges had to say.

Emily Hughes: She’s got the look of someone who could be in the top ten, but not in the top five.  “Barracuda” is another great song choice.  Nice voice–a little undisciplined, but she’s got the raw material.

Simon: “You’re different.”  What’s so different about a tatted-up chick?  Doesn’t Simon live in L.A.?  She looks like a million girls in Austin, only attractive.  Maybe that’s what’s different.

She’s through to the next round.  Good.

Randy Madden: This guy’s got douchebag written all over him.  Oh, and he’s an emotional basket case.  After that unpleasant incident in front of Paula’s house a few months ago, why would they let someone like this on?  Jeez.

What’s up with this “Livin’ on a Prayer”?  Strange.  His voice isn’t the worst I’ve ever heard, but he’s made up some stupid arrangement.   And Simon’s right–he’s got no balls (OK, he said “wimpy”).

What a whiner.  Thank God he couldn’t sing.

J.B. Ahfua: What?  OK, he can project and he didn’t hit bum notes, but do we really need a broadway type, especially a male one?  There’s a million of them, and they’re never interesting doing pop material.

Googling the lyrics, I think this is a song called “Flying Without Wings.” Is this the song Ruben sang at the end of season two?  If so, I didn’t recognize it.  Not a good sign for his long-term viability, but nothing is, really.

Michael Gurr: “Starts With Goodbye” by Carrie Underwood.  Don’t know the song.

WTF?  Another psycho.  Waste of time.

Now he’s doing a song by Kara.  Did she have a singing career, or does he mean written by Kara?  I can’t even google the lyrics, because I can’t understand them.

Thank heaven for the DVR.  Time to grab a beverage.

Bad Singer Montage: Ringer, possible ringer, nutcase.

Andrue “X-Ray” Caraway: I want to kill this guy already and he hasn’t even hit the stage yet.  With my luck he’ll be able to sing.

An original, “Cactus, Baby.”  Is there some sort of vile double entendre there?

Horrifying spazz.  I guess his act is that he dances like he sat on a cactus.  Thank goodness.  Here comes Security.  Next!

Arianna Afsar: Cute sixteen-year old kid who serves the community!  They love this type, and wouldn’t be putting her on if she couldn’t sing at least OK–she’s too precious to mock, even by AI‘s incredibly cruel standards.

“Put Your Records On.”  Not bad!  I called it.  She’s through.

End of day one.  Nine others got through?  Couldn’t we have seen some of them?

Elijah Scarlet: When he talks, he sounds like he could sing the background part on “A Fool Such as I” by Elvis.  Probably can’t sing anything.

“My First, My Last, My Everything.”  His facial expressions look like he’s got something really painful stuck between his teeth that he’s trying to get out with his tongue.  Abominable.

Lea Marie Golde: She’s horribly obnoxious.  Get me a cyanide pill, stat! And she’s crazy about Kara.  Wow, they really didn’t learn their lesson after that unpleasant incident in front of Paula’s house, now did they?  American Idol: The Creepy Years.

“Every Time We Touch.”  Don’t know it.  If this is any indicator, I was a lucky man up until this point.

Simon kicks the sixteen year old.  Keep it classy, Cowell!

Simon: “That was uncomfortable.”

Paula: “Not as uncomfortable as finding her cold corpse in front of your house!”

OK, she didn’t say it.  But she should have!

Stevie Wright: Named after Stevie Nicks.  I can’t decide if that’s awful or if it’s awesome.

“At Last.”  Really, almost no one should ever try this song.  Let’s see how she does!

Not embarrassing, but definitely the wrong song choice, and she can’t hit the low notes for shit.  She’s cute enough that I bet she gets through.  She’ll need to get a lot better to advance further.

Yep, she’s through.  Can I call ’em or what?

Michael Sarver: A roughneck.  They love this kind of thing.  He’s got presence.  I doubt they’d do the featurette on his job and family if he wasn’t a decent singer.

“Thank You” by Boyz II Men.  Nice voice!  Is he going to be an R&B singer, though?  Big white roughneck?  Well, why not?

Katrina Darrell: Ryan thinks making out with the bikini girl is against the rules.  That didn’t stop Paula and Corey Clark!

If he had her tongue down her throat, at least she couldn’t talk.  That would be nice.

“Vision of Love.”  Not horrible.  Simon and Randy say yes.  Kara is pissed.  Doesn’t she realize that hotness makes up for mediocrity on this show, even if everyone pretends that it doesn’t?

Randy makes her bounce her boobies.  Keep it classy, Jackson!

Thank God she’s not going very far.

Eric “Sexual Chocolate” Thomas: That’s from Coming to America! And the guy doesn’t even seem to know it! Or maybe he’s just too smart to admit it.

“Ribbon in the Sky.”  Butchery.

Brianna Quijada: Oh, great.  Another freaky annoying spazz.  Not as annoying as that one girl from a couple of years ago whose name I can’t remember Mikalah Gordon, though.

“Let’s Hear it for the Boy” and “Killing Me Softly.”

She called him “Simey”?  Yeah, that’ll win him over!

Wow.  Simon let her through.  She wasn’t good, but she really wasn’t horrible–get a vocal coach and tone down the cute act.

Deanna Brown: Sweet southern girl.  If she makes it, she’ll be an audience favorite.

“(Sittin’ on) The Dock of the Bay.” Good!  I’m hitting update, because I know she’s through even though the judges haven’t rendered their verdict yet.

Update: Yep!

Cody Sheldon: A horror geek! “Wonderful World” by James Morrison.  Good voice.  He’s through.  Revenge of the Nerds!  Some of us appreciate that…no reason in particular.  Nope, none at all.

Alex Wagner-Trugman: Another nerd!  Don’t drool on yourself, there, buddy.

Gay-bashing from Simon!  It took almost one whole episode!

“Baby, Come To Me” by James Ingram.  Good song.  Not a disaster, but they really shouldn’t let this one through.

Why does Randy like this?  Thanks, Simon, for being right.  They’re letting him through anyway.  He’ll go no further.

Montage of Bad Singers: Spare me.

Scott MacIntyre: Here’s the human interest story they’ve been pumping up all episode.  Isn’t it  a bit condescending to make such a big deal out of this?  I mean, making a little hay out of it is warranted, but this is ridiculous.

“And So It Goes” by Billy Joel.  This song blows.  Kid can sing, though.  Sympathy votes may carry him further than he should go, so he’ll make the voting rounds whether he deserves to or not.  But he may deserve to–we’ll see.  Pick better material!

Man, this was exhausting!  I don’t know if I’ll do this again.  I won’t tomorrow, because I’ll be shooting pool.  Maybe I’ll fake-live blog from the DVR.  Or maybe I’ll get a life.

Update: Demonstrating that I need a life, I’ll be adding a few videos to this over the next couple of days to demonstrate the brilliant points I could only make stream-of-consciousness-wise while typing on the fly. (No, I’m not that fast, and yes, I fixed some typos.)  So this is sort of a fake live blog.  I edit like reality TV, baby.

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