I’m not a big fan of Christmas. Sure, I dig it when people give me stuff, but I’m just generally not built for the shiny, cheerful, happy dorkiness that the holiday season inspires in so many other people. It could be because of a traumatic incident in my past.
The worst thing that ever happened to me was on Christmas. Oh, God. It was so horrible. It was Christmas Eve. I was 9 years old. Me and Mom were decorating the tree, waiting for Dad to come home from work. A couple hours went by. Dad wasn’t home. So Mom called the office. No answer. Christmas Day came and went, and still nothing. So the police began a search. Four or five days went by. Neither one of us could eat or sleep. Everything was falling apart. It was snowing outside. The house was freezing, so I went to try to light up the fire. That’s when I noticed the smell. The firemen came and broke through the chimney top. And me and Mom were expecting them to pull out a dead cat or a bird. And instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He’d been climbing down the chimney… his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck. He died instantly. And that’s how I found out there was no Santa Claus.
Oh, wait… Maybe that didn’t actually happen. Now that I think about it, I believe I may have stolen that entire monologue from Phoebe Cates in her role as Kate in the classic 1984 film Gremlins. My bad.
Anyhoo, I guess maybe I just don’t like Christmas because I’m a big ol’ prick. But other than that, I think the main thing that makes me dread the holiday season is…
Seriously, it’s mostly pretty awful. With the lone exception of “O Holy Night,” I think I pretty much hate every Christmas song I’ve ever heard. They are incredibly lame, even when a hip indie rocker or punk band covers them ironically. There’s only so much you can do when your source material is crap to begin with. I think there’s some sort of saying about the futility of attempting to polish a turd…
As I have mentioned thousands of times before because I enjoy complaining, my fiancee listens to country music, which I hate only slightly less than Christmas music. Guess what I really hate? If you guessed “country Christmas music,” you win. So the other day, she had the radio on while preparing her morning coffee, and I heard a country Christmas song that I think tops them all in its goofy, sappy crappiness. That song is “Til’ Santa’s Gone/Milk and Cookies” by former country superstar Clint Black. My god, what a bad song! Remember back in the 90’s when Clint Black was in the upper echelon of country stars? For a while there, Clint Black, Garth Brooks, and George Strait were the top three artists in the genre. Then Garth Brooks went crazy, George Strait made an awful movie, and Clint Black started recording crap like this. Only Strait’s career was left standing. I suppose if this was the best that Clint Black had left in him, we are not missing much.
Update (GW): Jason! Thanks for launching our latest theme week! See my comment, below.