When I awoke from deep slumber this morning, it felt like it was going to be just another lazy Sunday, filled with little more than sitting on the couch scratching myself and having to endure a little shitty country music. As I lurched forth from the bed and groggily dressed myself to get the pugs outside for their morning squirts, an odd tingle went up my spine, and the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. Something about the date on my clock radio caused this unusual reaction, but I could not yet wrap my still sleep-addled head around what it could be. November 23rd? Why does that date sound so familiar, and why does it chill me to my very core?
As I made my way to the door, a strong sense of foreboding grew up from somewhere deep inside of me, and I found myself reluctant to open the door to the backyard. I knew something awaited me on the other side that would rock me to my foundation, sending my world reeling into a chaos from which I may never recover. And yet those damn little pugs had to potty, and I didn’t want to clean up any poop from the carpet, so I reluctantly turned the knob to face the unknown horror that waited on the other side. I was not quite prepared for what I encountered.
The scene in my backyard alone was enough to strike fear into the hearts of even the bravest souls. I saw wars on a global scale, famine, pestilence, lawlessness, people having no love for one another, and earthquakes. Locusts swarmed my grass, the sky rained frogs, and the rain gully that runs behind my house was the deep red color of blood. The sky burned with flames so bright that it nearly blinded my eyes, and all at once, four frightening looking gentlemen on large horses crashed through my fence, sending splinters of wood flying through the smoky air. It was at this point that I decided I might want to go back inside.
As I slammed the door behind me, I turned to find one of my pugs pooping on the carpet. Dammit! Could this day get any worse? I rushed up the stairs to my computer, hoping that the strange atmospheric conditions outside would not have an adverse effect on my wireless internet connection. I needed to find out what was happening, what the ominous date of November 23rd signified, and why the world was apparently experiencing the true Biblical apocalypse (at least in my backyard, anyway).
As I furiously scoured the depths of the intarwebbernets, I finally stumbled upon the answer. How could this be? Could it be true? My head began spinning as I searched deep into my own soul for something, anything to make sense of what had occurred. An event that I never had faith in, that I never even allowed to penetrate my personal belief system, had in fact come true, and it had brought with it the end of the world. If only we had believed! If only we’d had the faith to trust in something that was larger than ourselves, perhaps the results would be different. But we didn’t, and now we are doomed.
I sat there in awe and horror as the words filled my computer screen: “Long awaited Guns N’ Roses album Chinese Democracry hits stores today! End of times imminent. Critical reaction mixed.”
Repent, my friends, for the end days are upon us!