To: All John McCain Supporters
From: Steve Schmidt, Chief of Operations, McCain for President 2008
Dear McCain Supporter:
Despite all the turmoil of the past couple of weeks, we remain in good shape. Although most polls have us slightly behind Senator Obama, we are within the margin of error, and we are optimistic that Senator McCain’s leadership during the current financial crisis and the solid debate performances we expect from both Senator McCain and Governor Palin will put us over the top. But there are no two ways about it–this is crunch time, and we all need to work very hard if we are going to prevail in November against the strong opponent we face in Senator Obama.
In addition to working hard, it is very important that we use our energies wisely, and do not make mistakes. So please, my fellow McCain supporter, if you are a musician, do not write a song about Senator McCain! If your creative juices are flowing and you just have to write such a song, please do not record it! And, for the love of all that’s holy, do not put it on YouTube, or anywhere else where the public may find it!
This is of critical importance. This election is likely going down to the wire, and just because your wife or husband likes some song you have written doesn’t mean it can’t hurt us with demographics somewhat larger than your household.
As an example of what can go wrong, please see the following:
This single video has cost Senator Obama two points in nationwide polls. It seems to have hit him particularly hard in parts of the country where the people aren’t complete wimps, such as Virginia and the critical swing states of the Midwest. So I’m begging you, my fellow McCain supporter, resist the temptation. The election may depend on it.
Onward to Victory,
Director of Operations
McCain for President 2008
PS: Don’t forget to donate!
* * *
To: Senator Barack Obama (firstname.lastname@example.org)
From: David Axelrod (email@example.com)
I wanted to wait until Friday’s strategy meeting to bring this up, but I just can’t take it any more–these so-called “musicians” are freaking killing us! Honestly, boss, I’m at wit’s end with these idiots. Did you see that Boy George monstrosity?!? Seriously, George, did you think you were doing us a freaking favor!?!
And that one with the kids? Kuh-reepy!! Just because they grow a lot of corn in the heartland doesn’t mean we need to be showing them videos featuring the Children of the Corn! And for the love of Mike, our internals show that 22% of the electorate already think we’re a bunch of Communist-loving Commies and our grassroots produce this!?! A “Dear Leader” song?
Well, gee, grassroots! If you’re going to run around making songs and videos that will scare the bejeezus out of every single swing voter in the good ol’ U. S. of A., why do it halfway?
Sorry about the rant there, boss. Just getting some stuff off my chest.
God, I need a drink.
OK, back to business. Could we maybe buy YouTube with the remaining campaign funds, and just purge these suckers and do the ol’ whack-a-mole on any new ones that pop up? Probably not–just blue-skying it a little bit here, trying to think outside the box. Maybe we could get Soros to throw a few billion at…
[OK, I know I said I was going to stop covering campaign songs, but since it’s been my beat, and the kiddie song was all over Drudge Report and the news networks, I felt obligated. Also, I wanted you to feel my pain.]