America’s 2008 Primary Election’s Greatest Hits!

As everyone knows, there are few things more intimately tied than great music and presidential elections. This has never been more true than during this cycle, where modern technology has made it easier than ever for musicians to blast homemade campaign anthems to voters throughout the United States and to Barack Obama’s voters in Europe.

As of yesterday, the primaries are wrapped up, and the general election has officially begun.   While I expect many, many great songs to be produced between today and the first Tuesday in November, now is the time to buy this very special retrospective collection–America’s (the Country, not the Band’s) 2008 Primary Election’s Greatest Hits!!!

You simply must own this album.  Otherwise, you might forget about such wonderful moments such as these…

Although she didn’t win, Hillary had a lot of enthusiastic supporters who put eighteen million cracks in the glass ceiling (and it’s about to start raining shards into the hearts of the American people).

Some of those noble supporters strapped on their dancin’ shoes and performed this classic number, which answers the question that’s been running through many a head for many a year–what if, in a Star Trek “Mirror, Mirror” universe, Jackson Five patriarch Joe’s opposite was Pat Boone?  And what if Pat Boone had been a Democrat, making it even more opposite? Well, the end result might have sounded a little something like this:

Senators Clinton and Obama had a very close race.  Some very nasty people have posited that negative reaction to this song may have provided Obama with the edge he needed he pull it out–music does have that sort of power, you know.  However, I haven’t seen any good, solid polling to prove that, so I dismiss the possibility.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the aisle, no one created any songs for Mike Huckabee, Rudy Giuliani, or Mitt Romney (not even Donny & Marie), although there are rumors of an underground concept album devoted to Fred Thompson.  Only one Republican candidate inspired a song of high enough quality enough to break into the general consciousness, and that candidate was the eventual nominee, Senator John McCain:

The McCain Girls would release at least one other song, “Here Comes McCain Again,” before being relegated to an undeserved oblivion.  Unfortunately for Senator McCain, his girls turned out to be an illusion, the product of a comedy act rather than sincere supporters.  The blow to his campaign was like a bamboo switch in a prison camp, as the song had inspired millions.

Of course, the breakout hit from the album America’s (the Country, not the Band’s) 2008 Primary Election’s Greatest HitZZ!!1! belonged to will.i.am:

Barack Obama, in his infinite wisdom, so much loved this song about Barack Obama that he put it on his list of top ten favorite songs of all time.  Because Senator Obama is a humble man, it was only ranked number ten, although critics generally agree that it is a much better song than “Gimme Shelter.”

will.i.am, like all brilliant artists, realized that the sequel is almost always better than the original, and so created one. However, Senator Obama, being a keen politician, cast forth his gaze upon the vast swathes of filthy humanity set before him and saw that his more fervent supporters were being unfairly maligned as obsessive, cult-like, and a bit creepy, and recognized that people endlessly chanting “O-BA-MA! O-BA-MA!” might reinforce this impression to the bitter, clingy masses, who, sadly, also have the right to vote:

So that his future minions should not become unduly alarmed, and hence vote away their opportunity to become his future minions, Senator Obama kindly requested that will.i.am stop writing Obama songs at a meeting they had near a south-side Chicago bus stop.  Mr .am hasn’t been heard from since, but the word from Tony Rezko is that he sleeps with the fishes, which I assume means that he is resting up at his manse whilst enjoying the soothing, gurgling gurgles of his many saltwater aquariums.  He is reputed to be an expert on miniature shark and octopi, and quite the collector thereof.

Another possibly over-enthusiastic Obama supporter was Ludacris.  He was kindly asked to be silent after using a very naughty word that starts with a “B” to refer to Obama’s fierce female rival, and inappropriate remarks about the handicaps of Obama’s cruelly-tortured-and-crippled-for-life war veteran rival, thereby alienating everyone in America who wasn’t named will.i.am or will.c.ayers.

Ludacris was last seen at the same Chicago bus stop, perhaps honing his pitch to become vice-president in an Obama administration.

Returning to the other side of the aisle: Once McCain’s nomination had been secured, hip-hop maestro John Rich, of Big & Rich fame, decided to get into the act.  Fearing that he could not compete with the hip-hop masterpieces already unleashed in this magical, mystical primary campaign, he opted for a more rockin’ approach.

Despite sounding a lot like the theme song to Monday Night Football, or perhaps because of that, the song was fairly well received by Sean Hannity.  However, millions of Americans wondered, “Where the hell is Cowboy Troy?” (Somewhat shockingly, that question was not asked regarding the whereabouts of “Big.”)

Alas, the primaries are now over, but fear not!  Now that the general election has begun, many more musicians have promised to write songs for Senator Obama, and it is quite certain that Senator McCain will have troubadours on his side as well.

To reward any musicians who would like to write songs for his campaign, John McCain has invited all interested to pick up their guitars and banjos and head to the new venture Cindy McCain is opening with her massive millions, John McCain’s Hanoi Hilton Huntin’ Ranch!  Guests will be treated to a big-game hunt featuring special guests Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney.  It promises to be a lot of fun–however, no phones are allowed, so visiting musicians are advised to tell their loved ones not to worry if they aren’t heard from for awhile.

At the same time, Barack Obama has earmarked funds for a giant new bus station in Chicago, and has invited all musicians interested in writing songs for his campaign to the opening ceremony.  Dave Stewart will cut the ribbon.

AmeriKKKa’z (the Country, not the Band’z) 2008 Primary Election’z Greatezt Hitz!!1!!’z is available only now and only through this special On Deaf Ears offer.  Plus, if you order now…

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4 Responses to America’s 2008 Primary Election’s Greatest Hits!

  1. Jason Austinite says:

    “The blow to his campaign was like a bamboo switch in a prison camp.”

    LOL. Sen. McCain wanted to throw his arms up in exasperation, but he was sadly unable to do so.

    Fun list, but I must call attention to the unfortunate omission of the most famous of artists to record a tribute to a presidential candidate in this primary season, the much adored Obama Girl.

    http://obamagirl.com/

    Now let us never speak of her again.

  2. That reminds me of McCain’s classic comment on Hillary’s earmark of $1,000,000 for the Woodstock Museum:

    “I wasn’t there. I’m sure it was a cultural and pharmaceutical event…I was tied up at the time.”

    Check out Rudy laughing his tail off.

    On the other matter you mentioned, wish granted.

  3. […] “Yes We Can” by Boy George OK, I thought my post on presidential primary campaign songs was pretty good, if I do say so […]

  4. […] I know I said I was going to stop covering campaign songs, but since it’s been my beat, and the kiddie song was all over Drudge Report and the news networks, I felt obligated.  Also, I […]

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